Individual examples given here might seem insignificant, even trivial, but add them up. Take them into account in addition to my date-auditable diary. Bear in mind that I recorded only a very small fraction of what happened, perhaps only 2% of it.
1. She asserted her experience as a chaplain to insist that I must not give my foster daughter away at her wedding. She said it would cause all sorts of family difficulties and that the family would hate me. Only when my foster daughter had arranged someone else to give her away, did my wife turn round and tell me it had been my own decision. It was far from that, there had been numerous arguments about it. Two years on from the marital split, I still have huge regrets about this. D often challenged me to explain why I thought my involvement in my foster-daughter’s childhood had been beneficial. For some reason my wife was extremely jealous.
2. Regularly telling me,in response to my remarks that her behaviour was inappropriate, that I was “not resilient”. She said she would not change because she was a Scot with a South African upbringing. Looking back, she was invalidating my remark about her behaviour by putting me down. By such means she sought to maintain her control of me.
3. When I was ill, she was especially abusive. That is demonstrated in my diary. If I reminded her that I was ill, she would remark “I deal with the dying every day”.
4. Insisting that I needed too much sleep, yet my sleep requirement was perfectly normal. I am sure this was a cover for her deliberately preventing me sleeping. She regularly criticised me for going to bed at around 2230 during the week, which was earlier than her. She would not take into account the fact that I spent no more time sleeping than her because I frequently arose earlier. I tried to explain it many times. Did she want to deprive me of sleep to try to make me bad tempered, to allow her to pursue a case against me?
5. She insisted that I had sleep apnoea. When I decided to visit my GP to discuss it, I realised that such a diagnosis would require symptoms at least fifteen times more frequent than that experienced.
6. There were times at night when she insisted I had stopped breathing. Yet I had already been fully conscious for some time before she started to awaken me to restart my breathing. I was simply relaxed and quiet. She was insistent that this was a problem, even when I repeatedly told her that I was fully conscious.
7. When I complained that her deliberately preventing me sleeping was in some situations classed as torture, she ridiculed me.
8. She asserted in emails to friends that the situation relating to my foster daughter was “very unusual”. It was nothing of the sort. She did this to undermine me and to justify her opposition to my foster daughter. I know about the emails I have some of them in my possession.
9. Putting-down members of my family. For example, she insisted that a member of my family was clearly “dysfunctional”. Her evidence? He disliked flying. There was nothing else, just that. She insisted that it had a considerably detrimental effect on his marriage.
10. Insisting and repeatedly arguing that my Myers-Briggs personality type (MBTI) is not the personality that I am. It was her asserting controlling behaviour!
11. After a few meetings, the first person to counsel us referred to her as “The Attacker”. I felt greatly relieved because someone else had recognised her behaviour. I guess from the point of view of keeping her involved, it was an unfortunate term. D then refused for us to see him any more. I think this happened in spring 2009.
12. Reading my emails for the purpose of checking-up on who I was meeting. She totally opposed my meeting with my most longstanding close friend, whether I was alone or with my wife, which I said I would be happy with. (I speculate that this was because this friend had worked for Womens Aid and understood domestic abuse)?
13. She claiming that I was the abuser. She made false, twisted and exaggerated claims to the authorities in order to claim that I was the abuser. Her claims were successfully refuted because of the existence of documentation that provided proof. The only reason she could have any reason to make any an allegation about me was simply because her behaviour was extremely distressing. For examples, see the date-auditable diary.
14. Forbidding me from backing-off from an argument. On a regular basis, she would physically prevent me leaving the house. She would use psychological abuse to prevent me leaving.
15. She claimed in a statement to the police that I controlled all the money. Yet her pay all went into her own account and it can be proved that I almost never accessed it. She had her own credit card, my name was not on it. She had full access to the account that my pay went into. Statements from them prove that she spent money in the manner that she preferred. I certainly didn’t control her money. I explained this to the police and they backed-off completely. There was no substance whatsoever to her claims.
16. She ridiculed me repeatedly for, as she claimed, my not being able to pronounce my surname properly. I believe I have no such problem.
17. Whenever I questioned her behaviour and the difficulty in responding to it, she was explicitly clear that she considered acceptable to say to me absolutely anything that she wanted.
18. She was extremely critical of the English, specifying various characteristics that she considered to be “English”. It was another means by which she sought to control me, being English. An american counsellor friend later told me how he had noticed this. He commented on my patience and was surprised that I put up with it.